Who's On The Air?
J103:
THE RIDE HOME WITH MIKE LEE
Bad Joke of the Day Archive:
What do you call a puffy space alien?
A martian-mellow.
What part of the road is always crying?
The breakdown lane!!!
What do astronauts eat for dinner?
Launch meat.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog - it croaks every night.
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog. Buildings can't jump.
How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots.
Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moooo-vies.
Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital?
He was a-salted!
Why was the room of married people empty?
Because there wasn't a single person there.
What do cows do on Friday night?
Go to the mooovies.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that tears your leg off and then runs for help!!
What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left school?
Bison!
Where did the little king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!!!
What did the Mayonnaise say to refrigerator?
Close the door, I'm dressing!
Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.
What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A slow poke!
Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
Who could blame her?
She had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!!
Why don't ducks carry spare change? They all have bills!
What did Delaware?
A Brand New Jersey!
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan
What did one frog say to the other? Time sure if fun when you're having flies.
Why did the one handed man cross the road?? 'Cause the second hand store was across the street.
Why do people wear perfume and cologne to church? Because they sit on pews.
What is the differnce between boogers and brocolli? You can get a kid to eat boogers.
How do you get a kleenex to dance? Put a little boogie in it!!
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff!
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
What type of footwear do frogs wear?
Open-toad !
How do you know if the head chef is a clown?
When the food tastes funny.
How do you kill a circus?
Go straight for the juggler!
Go for thou call a midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me!!!
RIDE HOME TOPICS ARCHIVE:
A school prayer case in Florida has elevated into "nuclear war," declares one Christian attorney. Mat Staver with Liberty Counsel says that a school superintendent caved to pressure applied by the American Civil Liberties Union, and now a consent decree is putting the clamps on religious expression.
How restrictive is it? If a teacher gets an email from a parent and the parent has 'God bless you' or scripture anywhere in the email, the teacher is prohibited from responding to that email without first taking out those words. One of the administrative assistants said that they are afraid to even pray with each other in their own cubicles for fear that they will be targets of contempt under this order.
The Liberty Counsel calls the order "blatantly unconstitutional” and is confident that it will be overturned by an appellate court.
SIGNS YOUR GETTING OLD
- You find yourself shopping for a nice Ben-Gay scented candle.
- You find yourself excited at the thought of buying new orthopedic shoe inserts.
- All the prime time TV shows come on after you're in bed.
- Everyone seems too young to be doing what they're doing.
- The snap, crackle, pop comes from you and not the cereal.
- Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don't want you behind the wheel.
- Your bifocals need glasses.
USELESS FACTS…
· The average life expectancy of an ant is only 45-60 days.
· The number 4 is the only number in the English language that has the same number of letters in its name as its meaning.
· Whales can't swim backwards.
A researcher at Michigan State University has come to the conclusion that inflammatory bowl disease can be successfully treated by having the patient swallow a common type of parasitic worm. Okay, raise your hands if you’d rather have the disease than the cure.
If you’ve ever been a chaperone on a school field trip or served as a parent helper on your child’s school bus you know how rowdy an environment it can be.
A school district in Arizona has outfitted one of its school buses with a $200 mobile 3G Wi-Fi router and $60-per-month access. And guess what? Instead of punching each other and yelling all the way to school, the kids quietly tap, tap, tap away on their laptops.
Granted, this school district’s particular bus ride is over an hour but according to the New York Times, “Wi-Fi access has transformed what was often a boisterous bus ride into a rolling study hall, and behavioral problems have virtually disappeared.”
Is this something you’d approve of on your kids school bus? 642-9858.
GREAT WAYS TO DEVELOP RELATIONSHIPSBe direct and honest. Never fake an interest. Fake people are instantly recognized by others. On the other hand, if you ARE interested, let them know. Otherwise you're just wasting time and emotion on something that will never happen. If you're rejected, fine… at least you can get on with life rather than wondering if he/she is interested in you.
Never have a superior attitude when approaching a person. If you communicate that you think you're better, you'll be rejected. Besides, having a superior attitude doesn't make you better anyway… it makes you a smaller human being. On the flip side, don't feel that you are worthless compared to anyone else. First, that's not true (and if you don't believe me, you can ask God), and second, that attitude is incredibly unattractive.
Give sincere compliments. If you like the way a person looks, dresses or talks, say so. DO NOT compliment unless you are sincere. Insincere compliments are only cheap flattery, and no one benefits from that.
Learn to listen and respond to the person you want to attract. Some people ask a question, then jump in with another question or remark without waiting for the response. A true conversation is a two way street… ask a question, LISTEN to the answer, and then respond in kind. Remember, God gave us two ears and only one mouth… obviously we should be listening twice as often as we should be talking. Also, listening intently to another person shows them that you are interested… and it also makes you interesting. People love talking about themselves, and if someone enjoys listening to them talk about themselves, all the better!
Above all else… be honest, always. Lying to impress someone will certainly come back to haunt you later.
A drummer in Kagel, Germany, was practicing so loudly in his bedroom that he did not notice burglars smash a downstairs window, empty the house of valuables, and drive off in his car.
A 31-year-old Indiana man says he had not food but kept himself hydrated with Mountain Dew and snow while he was stuck in his snow-covered SUV in southwestern Colorado for three days. Jason Pede was rescued Sunday morning after his vehicle ran out of gas and he walked seven miles to a road, signaling for help with a flashlight. Pede was driving from Dulce, N.M., to the Colorado resort town of Aspen to deliver an Australian Shepherd rescue dog when he got stuck. Pede, of Chesterton, Ind., says a "local" told him about a shortcut to Aspen and that's how he became stranded somewhere in the Rio Grande National Forest in snow that went above the hood of his Lincoln Navigator.
Funniest part of the story - the man got lost while driving a Navigator.
Memphis police have charged at least four people after a fight broke out involving several people at a Chuck E. Cheese. The ruckus Saturday night began when someone asked a woman how long she planned on being at a video game. Police say that when the woman said she "was going to take her time," a man punched the woman, she and a companion fought back and the victim's family got into the brawl.
Police said other customers panicked and fled the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant with their children.
Four trouble makers were charged with disorderly conduct, inciting a riot and drug possession, and furthermore the Chuck E. Cheese manager revoked their unused game tokens.
CRIME & PUNISHMENT HEADLINES:
Tyler, Texas police surprised a couple of men nosing around the Classic Toyota lot late at night. When the men spotted the cops, they took off, with one of them jumping over a nearby fence in an effort to get away. No doubt as soon as he hit the ground, the man knew he had made a serious mistake. He had jumped into a yard containing a couple of Rottweiler dogs. Big Rottweilers. Big, mean, Rottweilers. Making a quick decision about the lesser of two evils, the man jumped back over the fence and into the arms of the cops.
If you're going to rob a bank, the city bus should not be your getaway vehicle of choice. In Sandy Springs, Georgia, police arrested 22-year-old Channel Monae Gaskin after allegedly robbing a local bank. She was arrested after police spotted her waiting at a bus stop to make her getaway. Sandy Springs police Lt. Steve Rose said, "That just wasn't too bright." After being given a bag of cash from a bank teller, she ran across a parking lot to a restaurant, where a dye bomb exploded and sprayed orange-colored ink on her and the money. Kind of made her easy to spot.
HEALTH NEWS:
Are you one of the 27 million Americans who suffer from osteoarthritis? Well it might do your body good to add some sulfur rich foods to your diet.
Foods containing high quantities of sulfur may help to reduce arthritis pain by decreasing joint inflammation. These foods include avocados, lentils, broccoli, cabbage, coconut, soy beans, and garlic. "When you're taking herbs that shut down inflammation and you're eating foods with sulfur in it, then you're helping the body rebuild the cartilage.
A tip for guys trying to impress a woman on a first date -- don't shoot yourself!
Susan MacDonald and Kim Barnes' first date was going well, until Barnes accidentally misfired a gun and shot himself in the leg. Kim Barnes (the man in this story - despite his first name) is a former US Air Force fighter pilot and has handled guns all his life. But he accidentally shot himself with his semi-automatic pistol during the date. The irony is, he was trying to demonstrate to his date, Susan, how kids often accidentally shoot themselves. Fortunately for him, his date works in a hospital and was able to help him until the paramedics arrived. "I certainly hope I get a second date," Susan said. "He is a lovely man." Barnes said he's hoping for another "shot" as well.
National Director for Generation Life says it comes as no surprise that liberal groups are upset over a Super Bowl ad featuring Tim Tebow and his mother.
Focus on the Family produced the 30-second spot, which is slated to run during the CBS broadcast on Sunday and reportedly will feature Pam Tebow recounting her decision to carry Tim to full-term, despite a doctor's advice to have an abortion due to health concerns.
Liberal and feminist groups were quick to denounce the ad, even though it has yet to be previewed, and Brandi Swindell, founder and national director of Generation Life, contends the heated opposition shows the liberal groups' true colors.
"They're not really pro-choice organizations -- they are pro-abortion organizations," she contends. "So it's disappointing when you see ads that pretend to be pro-woman, that at the end of the day are completely anti-woman. And we see them being very pro-abortion, very anti-woman as they protest and are so angry over this ad."
The National Organization for Women has criticized the network's decision to air the ad, saying it "life threatening" and "extraordinarily offensive and demeaning." To which, self-described pro-choice sports columnist Sally Jenkins replies : "If the pro-choice stance is so precarious that a story about someone who chose to carry a risky pregnancy to term undermines it, then CBS is not the problem."
We can say goodbye to another Tennessee landmark. A century-old wooden roller coaster, long known as Elvis Presley's favorite thrill ride, is being dismantled in Memphis.
Crews began dismantling the Zippin Pippin on Thursday. It was a central feature of the Libertyland amusement park, which closed four years ago for redevelopment of the Mid-South Fairgrounds.
The coaster dated to 1912.
Housing and Community Development director Robert Lipscomb told The Commercial Appeal that workers were taking apart the ride with care, hoping parts can be preserved.
Super Bowl Sunday has officially replaced all other holidays as the ultimate day of food feasting. Frederick Kaufman, author of A Short History Of The American Stomach (Harcourt), says scarfing down food is "one of the characteristics of American culture," and the Super Bowl is the day to celebrate that.
SUPER BOWL PIZZA SALES
Most pizza chains will have their single-biggest sales day of the year on Super Bowl Sunday. The biggest pizza-selling days:
- Super Bowl Sunday
- New Year's Eve
- Halloween
- The night before Thanksgiving
- New Year's Day
Gun control advocates have a new poster boy.
A 16-year-old Port Wentworth, Georgia boy was mowing his lawn when he saw a snake slithering toward his dogs, which were chained in the front yard. Worried about the pups, he ran inside and grabbed a .22-caliber pistol. While a teenager being able to run into his house and grab a pistol might send up a red flag for some parents, the kid's troubles were only beginning. When he came back outside, he found the snake at his feet and hastily aimed and fired. Snake lovers need not worry as the reptile slithered away. Also wiggling on the ground was the kid, who shot himself in the leg.
A New Zealand couple's Christian beliefs made them confess a fraud that would have never been uncovered.
...Laurel Teriaki and her husband Gene Douglas recently became born again Christians and wanted to make right on a $22,000 Social Security Fraud that Government officials say they would not have known anything about had the couple not come to them and told them. Now, the couple will be forced to perform 200 hours of community service but feel like a load has been lifted from them.
TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE LIKE A COMPUTER...
10. If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
9. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
8. If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
7. To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
6. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
5. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
4. When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
3. "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
2. You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
1. We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
Former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother will appear in a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl next month.
The Christian group Focus on the Family says the Tebows will share a personal story on the theme "Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life."
The group isn't releasing details, but the commercial is likely to be a pro-life message chronicling Pam Tebow's 1987 pregnancy. After getting sick during a mission trip to the Philippines, she ignored a recommendation by doctors to abort her fifth child and gave birth to Tim.
Thirty-second commercials during the Super Bowl sell for more than $2.5 million. But Focus on the Family President Jim Daly says all the funds for the ad came from a handful of "very generous and committed friends," and that no money from the group's general fund was used.
Third Day has made a $20,000 donation out of its Come Together Fund to World Vision's Haiti Earthquake Relief Fund, established immediately following the devastating 7.0-magnitude earthquake that struck Tuesday, Jan. 12.
In an open letter signed by all four members of the band and available on ThirdDay.com, Third Day praises the ongoing work done by World Vision, and encourages its fans to give to the charitable organization's work in dealing with this specific humanitarian crisis.
"We have seen firsthand the amazing work that World Vision does around the world," the letter reads. "They are first call responders to these kind of disasters, and will immediately maximize our dollars to care for those suffering in this difficult time."
"We would like our donation to serve as a challenge. We invite you, as Third Day fans and a community of believers, to match our donation to help our brothers and sisters suffering in Haiti today," the letter continues. "We hope that you will keep the people of Haiti in your prayers, but we also hope that you will be part of God's answer to their prayers as well."
Fans interested in donating to the World Vision's Haiti Earthquake Relief Fund can do so through the band's website at www.ThirdDay.com or through World Vision's website at www.worldvision.org.
TOP INDICATORS IT'S TIME TO GO ON A DIET
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
6Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
BAD JOKE OF THE DAY...
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that tears your leg off and then runs to get help!
Near Alvin, Texas, 18-year-old Andrea Guerero found a man slumped over the wheel of his truck, administered CPR, and saved his life. She was returning home from a CPR certification exam, which she flunked.
In High Point, North Carolina, complaints began rolling in about the unfriendly policewoman on Eastchester Drive. She didn't wave, she was sleeping, she was dead. Actually, she was a female mannequin, dressed in police clothes, helping to reduce speeds at a high-traffic intersection.
According to a study from the University of Texas at Austin, milk and a 100% whole-grain cereal, which contain protein and carbohydrates, help rebuild damaged tissue at least as well as, if not better than, a specialized sports drink. The trick is finding a way to get your shredded wheat through a squirt bottle.
Memorial Hospital in Chattanooga announced that it won't be hiring anyone who uses nicotine products in the future and new hires will have to pass nicotine tests that will also pick up the use of nicotine gums and patches. Here's reason #5478 on why you should quit smoking: An 80-something British retiree had her gas stove on, but none of the burners had ignited. That was about to change. It was about then that she decided to go to her back door and light up a smoke. She also lit up her house as the ensuing explosion ripped through the first floor and caused extensive structural damage to the apartment, blowing out the windows, ripping off the back door and even lifting the roof. Amazingly, the woman only suffered minor burns to her hands and face.
Also, David Carr who is the drummer for Third Day described some of the fun you'll have on Music Boat 2010. Third Day is the host group for the event. Listen for your chance to qualify to win your spot on Music Boat 2010 all day long on J-103.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
10. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
9. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
8. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
7. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
5. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
3. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
2. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
1. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
HARD HEADED KID...
In Michigan City, Indiana, 11-year-old Cameron Schuette is lucky to be alive after a pickup truck ran over his head!
...Cameron and his 13-year-old brother Tyler were helping their grandfather chop and load wood. The boys were sitting on the tailgate of their grandfather's truck when he began backing down his gravel driveway and Cameron either fell or jumped off. Grandpa Ron Shurley said he at first thought he ran over a piece of wood until he got out of the truck and saw Cameron lying face down in the gravel. Cameron was rushed to the hospital where tests revealed he had a slight hairline skull fracture. He was released the next day and the only lingering effects seem to be nothing more than a slight headache. Grandpa Ron said, "Maybe he's got an exceptionally hard head!"
GOD-CENTERED FAITH
Read: Mark 11:12-24
Have faith in God. --Mark 11:22
During difficult times we often lament, "If only I had more faith!" Yet we demonstrate in everyday life that the most important issue is not the amount of our faith but the object of our faith. For instance, whenever we sit down in a chair, we trust that it will support us. Our faith is in the chair, not in how much faith we possess. In Mark 11:12-24, Jesus taught His disciples the importance of having the right object of faith. It began when they overheard Jesus curse a fig tree (v.14). The next morning, Peter exclaimed, "Look! The fig tree which You cursed has withered away" (v.21). Jesus replied, "Have faith in God" (v.22). Having declared God as the object of faith, Jesus assured them that they too could pray for and receive amazing results through God-centered faith. And so may we.
Often, however, we praise those who have great faith in God. Ian Thomas once preached: "When we congratulate people for having faith in our Creator, we're really saying that God is so decrepit they're to be congratulated for believing in Him." He continued, "To become less conscious of faith, we must become more acquainted with the object of faith." Get to know God better. Then to trust Him will become as natural as trusting the chair you're sitting on!
SLOW AND STEADY
While many college kids take the "five or six year plans" to graduate, Stuart Baldwin took a little bit longer. Make that, a lot longer!
...The 70-year-old book shop owner in the UK just graduated after 28 years of college courses. Stuart Baldwin has now not only collected his BS, but has been given the dubious distinction this week of receiving a Guinness Book of Records certificate for the longest time recorded to complete a university degree. He started on a science foundation course with the Open University when it opened in 1971. He says that "studying was a hobby" and that he "didn't want it to end." Stuart now plans to tackle a doctorate at breakneck speed. "I think there's an eight-year limit on PhDs" he said "so I'll be in no danger of breaking my own record." He potentially could've started college the year one of his professors was born!
